Without question, I was ready to throw in the towel last night. My project, for as recent as it'd begun, was starting to wear on me, in the way that I remember it doing so last year. For as much as I find myself needing this as an outlet, I was beginning to feel like I was hitting my head against a wall with each post. I'd mistakenly start comparing what I was doing throughout the year and think to myself "why last year, did the project have so much interaction, and this year, it's falling flat?" I tricked myself into thinking that approval for these words came in the form of a double tap of the screen.
I'll be the first to say that I am the easiest to beat down. I'll do it to myself before I even let anyone else do it to me. I always have felt that my heart was in the right place with what I write, how I post, how I choose to interact, and how I can feel actual work being done on my soul, but in all actuality, I've still got so much work to do. Last night, I'd hit a wall and the only words that I could come up with, matched the feeling of the photo that I had posted. I just wanted to rip my hair out. Sleep came, but not before I had sufficiently been beating myself up over an intense spiritual attack that I was allowing IN, rather than casting OUT. My first cognizant thought this morning wasn't far from my last waking thought from last night.
I was done. I felt the air being removed from my lungs and the project, my past failures, and this spiritual warfare was overcoming me.
But then, I opened my Bible. If you use the app on your phone, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that it has become my most powerful ally in combating depression and self-defeat. My daily reading plans I've catered to helping resolve issues that I've had in my past as well as working towards better understanding my future, as God places a call on my life.
5 minutes passed after I finished my morning reading and I received a text message. In it, was the type of urgent tone that I realized was something that I couldn't wait to reply back to. For whatever reason, I was needed and it caused me to rush out of bed, get my son ready, and have him sent off with my parents so that I could attend to the matter that had been brought to my attention. In the ensuing text convo, as I hurriedly got ready, were a few words that breathed new life into me. Words. As easily as words could tear me down, I was reminded in the swiftest and most heavenly of fashions, that words could also bring me right back up.
You never know, how close to the edge someone is, from jumping right off. We so easily just hide our feelings and try to power through, acting as if we can do it all on our own. This morning, as my lungs took in a whole new burst of clean, fresh air, I was reminded of the fact that we are not in this alone. Our circle of life is so intricately connected and in this moment that I was needed, God, and a few friends were telling me that it wasn't time for me to let go of this just yet. If no one likes anything I write, or if two hundred people do, I'm reminding myself that this shouldn't concern me. My gratitude shouldn't ever come from the number of people who do or don't appreciate it. My gratitude comes from God and my worth is always sufficient for Him. #UntilWeMeetAgainProject Day 49.