By nature and by choice, I have lived a very selfish life. I've written about it enough that it's been shoved down enough of your throats by now, but it's a harsh reality that I've still had to come to terms with on a daily basis. Looking into the mirror isn't an easy thing when the reflection you've seen is ugly. If there's such a thing as a "reflective image issue", I've got it. I've had to stare down who I've been and what I've done in a manner that is difficult to comprehend at times. It's not to say that I'm always like this and thankfully, through God's grace and the help of friends, I've had a lot of growth and healing that has come from the way things have been.
When it comes down to it, my idea of what I wanted for myself was so much more dominant than what I had been called to be. But the truth of life, is that not everything that we think is FOR us, is really for US. Like a child who would just "do" before asking his parents if it was "ok", I've pretty much operated like my entire adult life. The hungrier I got for any sense of self worth or enjoyment, I indulged like a thanksgiving feast, without thinking of what consequences would beget me. For the longest time, I operated without consequence, until it caught up to me. By then, my selfish nature had been rooted so deep that I didn't know how to make any corrections and I was in too deep. Selfishness didn't stop at one consequence. For years, I made decisions without really thinking about the consequences and not just in vice-filled ways, but in business and in life in general.
The deeper I've gotten in my faith lately, the more I've had to willingly relinquish control. My will wasn't working. As scary as it is to throw up your hands and say "God, take the reigns", it was a necessary part of my healing and growth. I've made a commitment to a lot of things lately, one of them being single. Others, making sure that I form relationships with guys that are helping me on my own walk of faith. It's not as difficult as I imagined it would be and I can see life changing with each and every day. If we let go of control and seek guidance through the ever present voice of God, it's incredible to witness the way life can really change. My testimony isn't one that I'm afraid of letting out there. It's God's will in my life that I've needed to take hold for a long time and I'm just grateful that I've finally realized the importance of it. I'm ok with looking in the mirror now, but instead of seeing who I've been, I hope to see the image that God created me to be. #UntilWeMeetAgainProject Day 51.