I'd almost finished my post tonight, 3 full paragraphs written over the course of a football game that ended in defeat. I started the proof reading process, which was about to end in me clicking "Save & Publish" on my website. I start this each night by typing these words out in my blog, before publishing. I then copy/paste the text into an e-mail along with the photo I shot that day. From there, I grab my phone, copy the e-mail text into an Instagram post and hit "Share". In typical meticulous fashion, I will read over my post two or three times, checking for grammatical perfection, before I put my phone down and fall asleep.
Not tonight though. Not once, but twice, my internet "unexpectedly" shut down and I lost my entire post. This has happened before and it'll happen again. In the past, I've done my best to remember my words, making a few notes, and filling in the blanks as best as I can recall. A few months back, I made the decision that in my own life, I couldn't keep operating in this same fashion. Every time that something would go wrong, I would attempt to rewrite exactly how it'd been written up to that point. It wasn't working. 34 years of failed attempts and I finally decided that it was time to do it different.
Burn the old me. Burn the book that I'd written up to this point. Set fire to the intentions that had gotten me to this point in my life. I had to settle into this mentality over the last few months as I began to make decisions that would help to change my life for the better. I had to rid myself from any negativity that had been infecting my life up until that point. It meant telling a truth that I'd hidden in a lie, knowing that by doing it, I'd lose the most important person in my life. It meant focusing my mind on a book that I'd had in my life since childhood, but left dusty on a shelf, while I chose to write my own book.
I never intended to hurt anyone, but I surely did. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I might have been the author of that line in an alternate reality. If I wanted what I'd never had, I needed to do what I'd never done before. So, I set it all ablaze. And in that fire, God started a new fire in me, which has burned stronger than I'd ever experienced before. As I watch the life I'd lived burn to ashes, I'm reminded to "not put out the Spirit's fire" which has renewed and restored me in a daily transformation. Sometimes, I have to remember that the old way, wasn't always the best way. My way, was formed out of a habit of copying, pasting, and publishing. Tonight, I wrote this post 3 times and each time, it was different, because I didn't try to do what I'd already done.