"...are you where you thought you'd be at this point in your life?"
As I sat and pondered this question, posed of me last night, I did a quick inventory of my life and came to the quick assessment of "no". Definitely, no. Living back at home, 34 years old, divorced and struggling to make ends meet was absolutely not in my life plan that I'd set out to achieve. As I started to really dig deep into thought about it, exactly how I got here started to settle in. My plans. My ambitions. My selfish desires. I did whatever I could to please myself and as I kept running that rat race, I finally ran into a wall that even I couldn't push through. For all the effort and planning I'd put in to get to where I was at this point in my life, it took this question for me to stop and realize something.
These were all MY plans. Selfish, self serving, and without regard for a greater calling. Metaphorically, I was walking the road to Damascus, hell bent on doing things my way. How I ended up here, now for one year, in the city I grew up in, in the home I spent my teenage years in, was the direct result of beginning to let go. I couldn't fight the inevitability anymore and the conversion that I'd been going through was beginning to come to fruition. But first, I needed to be completely reformed. The clay I'd been molded from was cracked and calloused after years upon years of doing things MY way.
So here I am, a year later probably a lot different mentally than what many of you know. Not that I'm "healed" or "better", but it was in this journey that the real meaning of life was revealed to me. I'm not here to serve myself anymore. I may not be where I thought I was going to be, in my mid-30's, but that's because I was operating solely off of MY plans and not the ones that God had for me. I hurt a lot of people along the way. I turned off a ton of ears to the message that I'm now speaking and for all of that, I'm truly sorry. By serving myself, I chose to rob people close to me of happiness, myself included. Nothing, of this world can ever provide that real happiness. We can keep lying to ourselves, consuming and regurgitating, but until we give it up and let God in, we will always be thirsty for something more. For years, I chose destruction. I chose sex and drugs and rock & roll. And through all of that, God was right there waiting for me to choose Him. I may not be where I thought I was going to be, but I'm happy where I am. Amazing grace, indeed. #UntilWeMeetAgainProject Day 79.
Lyrics to "The Poets Cry for More" by Being As An Ocean.