I'm tired, man. Literally. Figuratively. Physically. Personally. I'm exhausted from life and the continual hope of change, but the feeling that everything stays the same. I won't say "realization", because I sincerely do believe that everything does not always stay the same. I've had burdens weighing me down for years and it's been a daily struggle to get past them. I don't always win each day. A lot of the time, the weight of the world, of life gets me down.
I started this project, without the intention that I'd be posting daily, relieving a little of the stress that I put myself through last year with my 365 Project. It was tiresome for everyone around me and I couldn't pull myself to stop it at any point, due to an unhealthy desire to show the world that I could finish something that I'd started. I titled it "Until We Meet Again", because that conveyed that thought. Not, until we meet tomorrow, but "again". Maybe tomorrow, or maybe in 2 or 3 days. But I knew something else when I started this project. I knew that I was about to be entering an incredibly tiresome phase of my life, a season that life brings every so often. I'd had a thought that I was about to say goodbye. But I hate goodbye's. I hate that feeling that it may mean that you won't ever be present again. That's what it has always felt like to me, so I chose "Until We Meet Again", because I wanted to not believe that I was saying goodbye to anything.
As a person who believes in God, but has strayed countless times in my own life, I've had a lot of questions, but never felt like I've had a lot of answers. But maybe I've been doing it wrong all this time. Maybe it's always been under the guise of "God, why are you doing these things to me?", when in fact, I should be asking "God, why am I doing these things to YOU?" Because that's just the truth. God hasn't done anything to me. But I've been so consistent with always doing things to hurt him and his desire for me. I make mistakes, boy, do I make mistakes. And I'm tired of it. If I'm ready to say goodbye to anything, it's this. Publicly and a lot more privately, I'm saying goodbye to the actions in my life that have been bringing me down. But I'm not saying goodbye to anything else. If anything, I'm saying hello to new decisions and a spirit that is still filled with the hope of a promise and a purpose that I've still not yet realized. Thank you God for that.
#UntilWeMeetAgainProject. Day 15.