4:30 AM. 20 miles from home, driving in a pitch black haze. Awake, but still feigning for alertness. My speed pushed the limit by only a few miles per hour and as I headed down the hill, I adjusted my position in the seat due to my aching back from a series of car accidents in the 20 months prior. My headlights only shone so far in front of me, although at this time of the morning it didn't matter. Only myself and a few trucks on the road and I was well past the last one I'd seen.
I rounded a curve, firmly planted in the left lane, my son sound asleep in the back seat. He'd asked to spend an extra evening with me and wanted to be dropped off at his mom's house on my way out of town as I left that morning. I periodically checked my rear view just to see if his head was resting comfortably. It was, and all was well. And then I saw it. Directly in the center of my lane as I came into the straightaway, still headed down hill, an animal. It was too early and dark for me to make out what kind it was, but all I knew was that me and my "p.o.s." car didn't need to hit it. The problem, was that by this time, I didn't have any time to safely navigate my way out of imminent harm. I swerved, narrowly missing the animal, which by now I could tell was a startled, but still alive coyote. In my head, I thought my 4 year old vegan daughter would be proud. I'd saved an animal, but within a split second, I realized that it was at the potential sacrifice of my son and myself.
The car couldn't handle the correction I tried to make and I began a terrifying spin as I tried to brake and shift my way out of it. As I hit about 180 degrees from where the spin started, I looked into my rear view again, knowing that by this time, Christian was awake. "Sorry buddy" I yelled, as my heart pounded. Of all the words. We were about to be tossed upside down or thrown over an embankment and all I could say was "sorry".
Why am I here? I've asked myself that so many times over the last 3 years. Cancer. Divorce. Black Ice totaling my car, nearly killing us as semi-trucks whizzed by. And now, this. My body aches from the stress, but my will is unbroken. I just got back from Phoenix. Yah, Phoenix, "risen from the ashes." That isn't lost on me. I've felt nearly dead now more times than I can count and here I am. Immersed in the flames of this world and in need of being saved or cast into the fire further. I've been saved in every single situation, in all of my unworthiness. The battle still very obviously rages on. For whatever reason, death seems to want me about as much as life does, but if I'm worth saving, then aren't we all? Throw out that life raft. Run back into the fire. This life is a rescue mission and none of us are exempt. We may not feel worthy. We may be eaten up and spit out by this world. It may feel too late and that we're not worth saving. But my Savior says different. He made us a promise and He'll never let us drown again. #OhGodSaveMeSaveUsAll
#UntilWeMeetAgainProject Day 21. Loegan, with hair and makeup by Jake French. Nikon D700 with Sigma Art 50mm f/1.4. ISO 1250, shutter 1/5000th of a second at f/4. Song inspiration by Bring Me The Horizon, "Doomed", viewable below.